Friday, May 12, 2017

Streets

I share the streets
With rats scurrying from one corner to another


I share the streets with half dead grass
And smell of lilacs
And dogs in a hurry to relieve themselves
And dog owners, whose phones
glow in the dark like lantern fish


I share the streets with birds
always in love
And with squirrels
always afraid

I share the streets with the thought of you
clinging to my shadow

Following me
I hear you in the echoes of every step I take.


I share the streets with you, with lilacs, and with rats
Streets turn all light into shadows
And the thought of you, always follows...

Monday, October 28, 2013

Tango: Suspension of Disbelief


Life; it's hard stuff sometimes. Especially towards winter, when the leaves are turning, and it is getting dark so soon, it is hard to look up and smile... At work, I realize how petty some people are, and how lazy they can be.  How much of our lives are about small victories. No one sees the forest from the trees.

On the metro, no one gives their place to the old lady. I get up, but sometimes I, myself, am drowning in my own selfish pool of tiredness, and I only see her much later; ashamed and guilty I exit the metro.

In the corner where the two streets intersect, people get robbed almost daily... Someone hangs himself somewhere. I hear ambulance sirens, and fire trucks pass by...

All of this, is real...


And then, there is tango...

It is late evening... I enter the room; it is almost the end of a Di Sarli tanda. It is warm, and my cold cheeks find refuge. There is a buzz in the air, some frequency that is shaking the cells in my body gently, waking them up. My heart speeds up. I look around with anticipation, and see some familiar faces that smile at me and wave. I wave back. I kiss at least ten people, hug another five; smiles all around. We, the petty, overworked, lazy, self interested people of the world, transform into butterflies, who kiss and smile, and are generally pleasant, and mostly happy, and ready to embrace whatever stranger catches our eye. A metamorphosis...

It is afternoon.  As I walk my dog, I am listening to tangos; my earphones let Podestá sing in my ear. The leaves are happy, the dog is too, and so am I. What a transformation, it is life in full color.

It is late night. I am washing the dishes, and singing Romance de Barrio on my own. No music, no audience, unless you count the dirty dishes, of which  there are so many at this point that it is hard to figure out where to start. It is me, yellow latex gloves and hot water, singing that famous vals, Troilo, with Floreal Ruiz version. Sometimes losing the tune, somewhere in the middle of the bubbles, grease, and hot running water, laughing and catching up with it later.  What a romance...

Tango... For me it is simply the suspension of disbelief... I suspend my disbelief in all things worthy, innocent, fragile, capable, brave... The harsh winds of reality beats us into submission sometimes. Then, we hear a tango somewhere, and start embracing, singing, or simply smiling to it. At that moment, the reality is suspended, and we believe in what seems to be the nonexistent, the impossible:
our beautiful and fragile humanity; the image of which if we could capture with a divine camera, we would apply to heaven with...


Monday, July 8, 2013

“The Cabeceo” by Tom Gettelfinger of Memphis

The Cabeceo


To the man across:
If ever your dreams do falter
Your heart you must not alter
Open your chest and and clench your jaw
More determined then before
And now that you failed, wiser than ever...
For your stance and your gaze
For your reclusive embrace
Is why I come here every night.
This is the rule of tango for you,
 the man who has the arms of a secluded bay,
Where my sails of yearning and sadness
find rest...

To the woman across:
If ever the tough predicament...
Turn your other cheek so that I may hold you...
Extend your arm with patience and  grace,
With that elegant strength,
embrace...
Embrace for what may threaten the future...
This, is the rule of tango for you,
the woman
who carries water from far away
and quenches my thirst for affection...
Your closed eyes, your silent sweat, your arms
my affliction...





Sunday, October 28, 2012

It should be hard to let go...

"Man and a Woman Dancing in a Close Embrace," by Vincenzo Balocchi


Every song you should fall in love a little bit
Otherwise why are you in the arms of a stranger?

Every song, you should learn to leave your self behind
Your vanity, your sadness, your anger...

Every song you should embrace more deeply
A weary chest resting on another, arms now longer,

Every song, you should fall in love a little bit
If your heart's not in it, your body will wonder...

It should be hard to let go, like all beautiful things in life...
Otherwise why are you in the arms of a stranger?

Thursday, April 26, 2012

The Blue Thistle

Claire McAllister with blue thistles, Patrick Swift, 1950-51 (Dublin), Signed, Inscribed, oil on canvas; 76 x 61 cm 

The Blue Thistle 

The blue thistle,
The prickly thorn,
 Adorn the windy days forlorn.

 The soldier flower that affronts
 The wind that cuts, the rain that scorns,
 For sake of all the seeds unborn.

 Rising above all that is green,
 A blue and prickly flower keen
 To see the fertile sun forsworn... 

Danzarin (4/26/2012)

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Ode Au Tango

This is a fantastic little film... It captures the joie de vivre that tango has brought out in me.
Enjoy!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Carlos... You were always right... I just didn't know it..



When I first started to dance, I heard of Gavito.. But when I saw his dance, I did not understand it. At the time, it did not inspire me. It did not move me. I was too raw, too obvious, too predictable with my instincts. He was old, he was wise, he was patient...

When you are new, you do not have time for patience. You have all the time for drama and passion and lust, all on the surface, swimming like a thick layer of oil on water.The sad thing is I did not even know the true meaning of passion, of love, of lust then. They were all mixed together, underexplored, misunderstood, and I was constantly trying to live a caricature of them, over and over again. Like a broken record...And I thought that's what life was.. love, lust, loss, all dancing in a circle, spinning spinning... out of control...

But tango taught me otherwise. Now, after having danced many years, I know, more.. I also know that I do not know it all. And that is ok, that is comforting, that is human. That means there is more to learn, to figure out. That means there is more life to live... That means I am vulnerable, and I know it, and it makes me a better dancer.

Now I watch Gavito, and I know, he was right. He was right, all along...


Carlos Gavito:
When you dance with a partner you are close and the dance is very suggestive, but it is not personal... Close is what the music inspires you to become. The embrace looks personal, but what we are actually embracing is the music.


Carlos Gavito:
A good dancer is one who listens to the music... We dance the music not the steps. Anyone who aspires to dance never thinks about what he is going to do. What he cares about is that he follows the music. You see, we are painters. We paint the music with our feet.


Carlos Gavito:
I think those who say that you can’t tango if you are not Argentine are mistaken. Tango was an immigrant music... so it does not have a nationality. It’s only passport is feeling.


Carlos Gavito:
The secret of tango is in this moment of improvisation that happens between step and step. It is to make the impossible thing possible: to dance silence. This is essential to learn in tango dance, the real dance, that of the silence, of following the melody.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Is there anything more to be said?








It seems that everything there is to say about Tango have already been said. Every move has been created and copied in multitude.. Every thought has been processed, shared, and consumed... Every dance experience has been had. Every song has been heard, every beat has been stepped. Have accepted too many dances, turned down too many cabeceos, Have been to countless milongas, many festivals, stayed up all too many nights dancing all night. Have taken many post-tango Advils, suffered many tango injuries, have been stepped on, bumped against, pushed around, pulled away... I have worn all the fashionable tango clothes, paid too much money for shoes and accessories.

So... Am I done?

In words of a famous poet:
The most beautiful sea hasn't been crossed yet.
The most beautiful child hasn't grown up yet.
Our most beautiful days we haven't seen yet.
And the most beautiful words I wanted to tell you...

and I add:

the most beautiful tanda hasn't been danced yet
The most beautiful tango hasn't been written
The most fun entry in this blog I have yet to write
The best pair of tango shoes I am yet to find

I have yet to dance in Paris, Beijing, or Sidney
I have yet to sing a tango out side of my shower
I have yet to capture that great feeling
that connection
that palpitation
I have yet to put it in a jar
like a summer time firefly
And keep it for cold winter days...

This is when time is beginning every day
setting it self to zero
recharging
This is when, finally, beginning is fun..

So this is the beginning..
Never the end...

Or if you wish... there is no beginning.. and no end...

Monday, June 20, 2011

Change is good... Change is good...

It has been a long time that my blog has remained stagnant. It stayed a loyal friend that I could return to at times of despair, loneliness, confusion, inspiration, and joy... And yet so many times I turned my back on it, ignored it, thought of canceling it.. Especially within the last two years, I have even become more obscure, less visible, more abstract, less connected, more puzzling... I think I need to reset my relationship with it.

I felt the need tonight to give it a new look. It will not be a new blog. I probably will be as capricious towards it as ever. I will still at times ignore it, sometimes overwhelm it, other times pay no attention... But it will remain. It will be here. Waiting for me to spill my guts, to tell my story, to write my poems, to paint my life and to share it with you.

I honestly do not even know if anyone is still reading this blog. If you are, I hope this blog is something interesting, a wild perspective that you did not expect, or a familiar one that you yearn to find.

This new look almost offended me first. It is so funny.. We are such creatures of habit...The old simple layout became such a usual habit for me that when I changed it I felt a little sad. When I looked at this new layout, I realized there is much to like about it. And yet I need time to get used to it. To move my fingertips around its face, to recognize, to familiarize, to memorize its features... I need time with it, but I am willing to dance this tanda with it. I will not say thank you after the first song, I will dance the next few tangos with it, and see how it goes.

The birds started singing again. Again, it is way passed my bed time. The stars are beginning to disappear, the day light is once again about to touch my toes. Once again, I am awake when most of you are asleep conjuring up an imaginary friend for my self, who might or might not read this post..

good night..

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Last night...


Last night, I danced a milonga tanda, and I had that wonderful feeling again. The feeling of moving as one. The flutters of anticipation took over. The subtlest movements were met by understanding, the surprise of moving so well together overjoyed both of us and we both knew it.

A perfect few minutes of understanding each other, having patience and willingness to be together... A perfect few songs of mischievousness and trickery, a perfect few moments that are so difficult to replicate...

It does not always happen, this magical thing. Sometimes you think it is lost forever. Other times you find yourself having forgotten that you are looking for it. But it finds you. It finds you like the wind finds sails, like the sun finds the horizon, like the waves find the shore...

and then I find my self wondering, how I could even wonder whether it is lost forever, or doubt it is coming back...Because it will always find you, give you a kiss, make the corners of your mouth curl up, and inevitably will leave... again...


The image is "Fishing Boats Leaving the Port of Le Havre" 1874, Cloude Monet...

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Ode to feeling better...



Another disagreement
Another fight
Another disheartened soul
Another flight

Flight away from this place
From this town from this feeling
Slightly worse, with tears on my face
Slowly dealing, slowly healing

Here is to never never and ever
Here is to tomorrow feeling better
Buying a new pair of tango shoes
Mending my soul with stilettos and booze...

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Stream of tango subconsciousness...


anticipation
imagination
wondering
suspense
intense attention
yearning to understand
trying to make a good impression

becoming familiar
becoming regular
becoming mundane
and you stop hearing your own heartbeat
and you know that is the end
that your imagination has runout
and that you know him too well
That he holds your hand but does not feel your heart beat
You dance but it is not the same

and then.. across the room
there is a pair of eyes you don't know
that ask a question
so beautifully
that you are curious to make up an answer for
and eventually make him forget his question
his ambition
only he wants to hear you now
and you hear your heart again

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I am on facebook. After a milonga, after a festival, after a weekend of crazy fun, I am on facebook. Trying to run the beautiful events of the recent past in my mind in an effort not to forget them, in fact, to re-live them, to put them in shuffle and replay in my mind, over and over and over. Like a drug...

I also develop these crushes on those moments where I have the perfect connection. The beautiful tandas, the mutual understanding of music, the synchronized smiles... How can I not. Completely platonic, harmless, and like every crush, ephemeral...

I do not want the weekend to end. I do not want the tanda to end, I do not want the festival to end. Sometimes I wonder: is this what it will feel like when I am dying? Am I going to be left with this feeling of increasing emptiness in my heart, the void left by ever-fleeting moments of joy, here now, gone next... Am I going to yearn for life and will not want it to end? And does this mean that every time I end a beautiful tanda, every time I leave your embrace, every time I come back from a festival, or a great milonga, every time we say good bye, I die a little?

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Missing...

I miss you
Like my eyelids miss each other
Like there is no tomorrow and no hope of seeing you
I miss you and I miss me
Because when I miss you I don't have me here
When I miss you my head spins
From lack of you running in my veins
My breath comes to shallows of my dreams where I chase your shadow
My hands grow numb, not remembering your touch
I miss you like there was no togetherness
The idea of you fades away
I grow dull, gray, and ordinary
And I find you again
Like water in desert
Like a friend in foreign lands
Like a cool shadow in hot summer noon
Like two hands clapping
Like salt and sand on a beach
Like monday and tuesday....


Sunday, January 30, 2011

Dancing, Dreaming and Ghosts...



Last night, I had a fantastic night of tango. Many tandas, great conversations, a lot of laughs.., And as I was experiencing such a great night, I also started thinking about other great nights, and my favorite tango people who were not there with me last night. As I was enjoying a milonga, my mind wandered, thinking about many other great milongas I danced, and the ghosts of those milongas started revolving around us, dancing with us, as we were dancing with the music, with the floor, with each other, and with our ghosts.

There are good ghosts you know... Ghosts that you want to have. Last night as my old ghosts visited me on the dance floor. And as I was dancing, I witnessed the creation of new ghosts that would come and visit me at a later time... Sometimes unexpectedly, sometimes in the middle of a tanda, sometimes, when I am dreaming, and sometimes, when I am walking on the street, summoned by the first few notes of a favorite tango....

Saturday, January 15, 2011

If life is yearning for you...


I am lost in your absence.
My eyes see the world around me
With the beat of my heart.
Images now bigger and now smaller...
With every beat,
I search for you,
with palpitations of a million beats..
And when I find you
My heart stops.
I die...

Monday, July 6, 2009


I can take many a test
to determine what type of Starbucks coffee I am
Or which star wars character
But I cannot figure out,
why I feel so lost in this era of hyper networking
why I feel my ties to life are so loose
why among so many things that try define me
from social security numbers to credit scores
from my race, color, and passport
from what I have on my Ipod to who deserves my vote
I feel unidentified more and more

the more I am connected
the less connected are my connections to each other
So I have to walk the tight rope
across this web that I am not sure I intended to build
right here, right now, like this....

divided into 1000 pieces
pulled in a million directions
bombarded with billions of audiovisual bits a day
Not to mention unsolicited junk mail I receive every day
Is life better this way?

I lose my self and feel the urge to read more Kafka
start smoking
stop showering
and wait for Godot
as a black and white image of a ghostly chair
in a Charlie Chaplin movie

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Girl Afraid of Dreaming..


What is the shelf life of the hope I bought?
How can I believe in what I think not-ought?
My future tied to shadows that I have long fought
I implore, I carve on the mast I lean on:
Let me see, let me breathe, let me go ashore…

When I was a girl so little
I had feelings oh so brittle
A soul so fragile that it’ll
Shatter and forever remain
On the discount aisle of a misunderstood peoples store…

So afraid of the status quo’s future dispositions
And so not brave to consider risky propositions
Given that there are no listed shattered souls auditions
I remain here on this shiprwreck and hope
That I sleep long and silent and that I dream no more…


Picture: Girl at the Mirror by Norman Rockwell

Monday, February 16, 2009

I'll wait for the next one...

Another one has come and gone. I danced, made new friends, learned more about places, people, moments, and yet I cannot say that I am wiser for it... A festival is a festival. I am who I am. Not much will change. I will get over the hangover effect. My senses will numb, the bruises on my feet will fade away, and disappear, tangolessness will seem almost bearable once again...and I will wait for the next one...

Saturday, February 7, 2009

J'attendrai le suivant....



I will write a few things about this short film, but for now, I am just sharing it...